“The biggest myth about sexual desire is that if a woman doesn’t feel in the mood, then there’s something wrong. This couldn’t be further from the truth – sexual desire is so much more nuanced than this. Understanding the difference between spontaneous and responsive desire is key. Spontaneous desire is what we see portrayed in the media – it’s fiery, passionate and urgent. Someone experiences desire, then they get aroused. This is viewed as the gold standard of desire, but this isn’t true for everyone, especially women, who tend to experience responsive desire, which means their desire emerges in response to something. Knowing this is a game-changer for so many couples I work with. It’s not uncommon for women to be unsure as to what feels good for them as they’re used to shoehorning themselves into a type of sex that doesn’t work for them. Many women do know, or have an inkling, but they don’t know how to make it happen or how to ask for it. Start by spending more intimate time together and not rushing things in the bedroom – people with responsive desire need affection and sensual touch.” – Sarah Rose Bright, sex & intimacy coach

“Communication is essential when it comes to good sex. And we’re not just talking about sharing fantasies. Talk openly and honestly about likes, dislikes and boundaries with your partner to create a safe and comfortable space for both of you to enjoy sex. Talking about what you like in bed may sound obvious, but you’d be surprised at the number of couples who never have this conversation. You can then explore what you might enjoy together. Asking with curiosity shows that you care what she enjoys. Plus, a lot of women don’t fully know or understand what they like, so it’s an opportunity to learn and explore together.” – Sarah

“There is a tendency to focus on the clitoris but there are so many other pleasure spots on the vulva. Instead, take a wider view of the clitoris because what you see is only a small part of the clitoris – most of it is internal. Take your time to massage the whole of the vulva – the labia, underneath the clitoris and down to the vaginal entrance are all areas that can feel just as pleasurable as the clitoris itself. Experiment with different amounts of pressure, rhythms and duration of time to see what she likes best. For most women, direct contact on the clitoris itself can be too intense, so keep this in mind.” – Sarah

“Switch your focus from orgasm to pleasure. When you put pressure on an orgasm as the end goal, women can feel performance anxiety – even if they don’t explicitly say so – which ultimately limits pleasure for both of you. Instead, focus on the pleasure – do what feels good in the moment and try not to follow a routine. The body has many pleasurable places that can be arousing, and these can be missed if you’re only focused on the end goal. Take your time to explore different erogenous zones on her body, including the neck, shoulders, ears, inner thighs, back and feet, and experiment with speed and pressure. Invite her feedback to help navigate her body and follow her cues.” – Sarah