Two Dads On Surrogacy & Parenthood
On The Decision To Build A Family…
James: "Bryan always wanted kids, whereas I took a bit of convincing. I thought, 'Hey, our life is good as it is, right?' But it was something he felt passionately about and he's my life partner, so I was open to embarking on the journey together. We talked it through for about a year after getting married and then we said, 'Right, if we're going to do it, let's do it.' We were so focused and determined to figure it out we hit the ground running."
Bryan: "We landed on surrogacy as the best route for us and began looking at the destinations that could offer it. We started with eastern Europe, but quickly learnt that, as a gay couple, places like Cyprus and Ukraine wouldn't work for us. You had to have a wedding certificate in order to proceed with surrogacy or IVF as a straight couple in countries like this. It was an eye-opening process. I will say I'd never come across homophobia like that before. Who knows whether it's due to outdated rules, but it certainly added to the weight of everything we were doing."
On Resources For Parenting As A Gay Couple…
Bryan: "We sought out so much advice. A great resource is Men Having Babies, and another worth mentioning is Richard Westoby, an IVF and surrogacy expert. He gave us great insights into what to consider, which options suited us best, and how to face some of the biggest challenges, so we were prepared from the start."
On The Clinic They Chose…
James: "We started our journey just as Covid hit, so it was a lot to go through, and nothing was straightforward. We ended up going to Canada and Mexico too – the Zoom calls were endless. But it was Joe, our neighbour, who ended up telling us about a clinic in San Diego that has the most incredible fertility centre. We had a Zoom consultation first and told the lovely doctor that Bryan was from Kenmare in Ireland. In return, he told us how much he loved it there and, by total chance, presented us with a poem he'd written about the area after visiting. At that point, Bryan completely melted and we knew he was someone we could put our trust in."
On The Surrogacy Journey…
Bryan: "Our donor was Liz – my brother's wife – and she had to travel with us twice to San Diego. The problem was they tried to stop us every step of the way because of Covid restrictions, so we had to travel via Madrid and were detained along the way because no one wanted to let us in. It was all quite messy, but we got there in the end. From that first journey, we only received one embryo, but it became our son, Cosmo. If any of those flights had gone wrong, or we'd been detained for longer, we wouldn't have our little boy."
James: "The whole process resulted in two egg retrievals. We had that one embryo first and then, the second time, we got another. From start to finish, it all took about three years, partly because there was a shortage of surrogate mothers. On top of everything we've mentioned, as a gay parent, you have to go into parenting with real intention. It doesn't 'just happen' in the same way it sometimes can for heterosexual families, and it really can be quite taxing mentally. Going through it all myself made me realise just how much you have to want it to make it work. But by the time that tiny baby arrives, you're so focused on being the best version of yourself for them that everything else dissipates. I can't imagine our lives without them now."
On Becoming A Family Of Four…
James: "As I said, we did two egg retrievals and got two embryos. It worked out that one was Bryan's and one was mine, with one being a boy and the other a girl. We were so lucky that both worked the first time. They were the cards we had, so we played them and chose to become a family of four. Cosmo is now two and a half, and little Goldie is just six weeks old."
On The Biggest Decisions Before Becoming Parents…
Bryan: "I'd say one of the biggest decisions, if you're going down the route of surrogacy, is where you do it. Especially as gay parents – because in America, for instance, the legal framework exists in most states, so it's relatively straightforward. In New York, we're both automatically on the birth certificate, whereas in countries like Ireland and the UK, the surrogate is recognised as the legal parent. Changing that can take six to 12 months and, during that time, the surrogate can decide to keep the baby, leaving you with very little legal protection."
James: "It shocks me is that despite everything you have to go through, in some countries you still won't be legally recognised as the parents. Social workers have to come and assess you, then there are letters of application to submit – it can end up costing thousands, and not many people know about this. We certainly didn't. There's a six-month window in the UK where you can apply for the certificate, but if you miss that, you're looking at a huge bill."
On What Has Surprised Them Since Having Children…
James: "I was surprised by how quickly I adapted to fatherhood. It is the biggest life change you'll ever experience, but it's also the most rewarding. You adapt far more easily than you imagine, and it makes you so happy. We've always been positive, happy people, but becoming a father has unlocked a whole new level of happiness I didn't even know was possible. Even when they're being difficult, you still don't want to be anywhere other than with them."
On What's Important To Them…
Bryan: "The importance of family has been reinforced for us. We were already close with our own families, but having our own little family of four is just lovely – we're a real unit and team. It refocuses your goals and changes how you look at your own life. It's made us rethink what we're working for. Without the kids, I'd have just worked and worked. They've given me balance, but also a much better perspective overall. Plus, they've made me more efficient. I often look at the parents at the office and they're always so efficient. There's no overrunning meetings with them!"
James: "Another lovely lesson has been learning to be more present. Children simply don't allow you to be anything else. You can't be 100% in the moment with them while multitasking. Cosmo overhears us telling each other to come off our phones and now he tells us to do the same!"
On Discussing Their Family With Their Children…
Bryan: "We're very open about it with Cosmo. He knows he has two dads. His school in New York also has lots of blended families, and his class includes children with gay parents, single mums and single dads. We really believe families come in all shapes and sizes, so why hide that from children? We've also told him Bianca was his surrogate and he understands she isn't his mum, but she's a very special person and an important part of his story. We think it's best to be open and have all the cards on the table. The rest he'll understand as he gets older. He also knows Goldie was in Bianca's tummy because he was able to touch the bump and connect with her."
On The Support Diverse Families Need…
James: "More than anything, we just need to talk about these things more to normalise different family structures and everything in between. That alone would provide more support for families like us. The UK is meant to be progressive and liberal, but in some areas it still isn't. Conversations like the one we're having here are so important because they help remove unnecessary stigma."
Bryan: "Aside from the support needed from wider society, I can't express how important the support of family has been. Ours have been everything and more – we're incredibly lucky – but I've appreciated my family in a whole new way since having children. Everyone needs a support system and a village. That's how everything continues to function."
On The Importance Of Community…
Bryan: "Connecting with other same-sex parents has been amazing for us. Cosmo became friends with another little boy in New York after meeting on the playground. It turned out the boys' nannies were friends, then we got to know his dad – a single gay man in New York. By complete chance, we later discovered the boys had the same fertility clinic, the same doctor and had even been in the freezer at the same time. It's incredible the connections we've made and we're actually all going away together now. Similarly, in the Barbican, where we live in London, there are two lovely gay dads we're close with. It's vital for our children to see families like ours from an early age and understand there are so many different ways a family can look."
On Values They Will Pass On To Their Children…
Bryan: "We want our children to treat people with respect and kindness. Being nice is essential and we'll instil that in both of them. We also think – although we've not quite figured out how yet – that teaching resilience is really important. We want them to be able to stand up for themselves so we want to give them the tools to cope with the world around them. Life can't be sugar-coated all the time. Fail. Get hurt. Get it wrong. It's okay. We all need to learn how to keep going."
On Their Advice To Those Seeking The Same Path…
James: "It's expensive and that's a real consideration, but if you want children, my advice is to go for it. There are also lots of different avenues to explore. IVF, adoption, co-parenting with friends – there are many ways to build a family, so really consider your options, do your research and sit with your decision. I will say this though: you won't regret it. Yes, it will change your life, but in some ways a lot stays the same. It's the best life change we've ever experienced. You can still go dancing and have bottomless brunches, just not quite as often. When you do those things, they feel even more special."
Bryan: "I second all of that. Your social life will shrink, and you'll probably gravitate towards friends with children, but that doesn't mean everything has to be sacrificed. There are ways to make your life work. It's the best decision we could have made. You'll also be more tired – every day you want to be a better person, a better parent and a better worker, but there's no mastering it all. Some days are hard and that's just the reality of it. You take the rough with the smooth and, my god, are the highs worth it."
On How Their Relationship Has Changed…
James & Bryan: "We both feel our relationship has improved since having children. We obviously have our moments, but we're even more of a team now and have a much deeper connection. We no longer let arguments spiral or get out of control. Having children forces you to re-centre yourselves, and you end up with a deeper respect and admiration for one another. There's certainly more stress – that's a given – but overall, life is happier and full of so much more joy."
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